Tag Archives: ramblings

What’s the point in loving?

Flames to dust, lovers to friends. Why do all good things come to an end?” says Nelly Furtado, one of my many idols. It was a song I sang many times in my youth, not understanding what she meant. Now I’m older and dare I say, wiser, and I have begun to overthink the song.

Love is the strongest and greatest emotion on earth. We crave it, we feel it, we search for it. It motivates us and confuses us.

All love stories start in different ways and in different places, but is usually as follows;

Boy meets girl. They date, get butterflies when they kiss, begin to fall in love. They date until they become in an official relationship. They meet each others friends and parents. They have sex, they have arguments. And unless they’re one of those lucky people that ends up settling with your childhood sweetheart, they break up.

Like the beginnings of a love story, they also end in different ways. It can be an abrupt, passion fuelled argument ending in screaming and punching, or it can end in an awkward conversation sitting across from each other in a silent room.

I started dating around seventeen, but never really found myself attached to the boys I was dating, and I ended things. In my younger years I never really focused on how they would feel about me breaking up with them. It’s one of the luxuries of being the break-upper, not the break-upee.

And then it happened to me. Honestly, I think the pain was more about my ego and pride than my boyfriend breaking up with me. But the one thing that really angered me was that in the beginning of our short lived romance, I didn’t like him. He pursued me, chased me, wooed me. Begged me to go out with him until I finally acquiesced. Our date went surprisingly well, and so did our relationship- until we broke up.

Afterwards, my heart mended and I met another boy, and the process happened again. This was a longer, more fulfilling relationship, but after two years I decided to end it. We’ll chalk it up to ‘personal differences’ as this is a blog post, not a therapist session. I was happy about my decision, he wasn’t, but even after trying again, it just didn’t work.

A year later, at a party, I met another boy. The night was honestly, as cliché as it sounds, magical. Perhaps it was the alcohol, but it was the most romantic beginning. He stayed behind at one of my parties to help me kick out the stragglers that wouldn’t leave at 5am, and we spent the whole night and day just talking. I suddenly realised that I didn’t want to date him. Well, I did, but I didn’t want the future break up that dating would bring. It’s a rather pessimistic idea, I know, but the fact is when you date someone, you either end up with them until death, or you will date until you break up. As nice as boy #3 was, I didn’t see myself walking down the aisle towards him at the age of 18.

So, upon our first meeting, I proposed an idea. What if we just had a wonderful night together, talking and getting to know each other, and never see each other again. That way it would forever be perfect. It would never be tainted by future arguments or betrayal, and whatever happens in our separate lives we could both look back on our one perfect night together. He liked the idea but disagreed, wanting to see me again.

I am not a very strong willed woman, and so it’s safe for you all to assume that yes, we saw each other again after that. A lot. We dated for a while, and it was nice. But guess what? it ended. He was heartbroken, but again, I’d made the right decision. He was moving away and I was studying and it wasn’t right. We stayed friends for a while, but after he moved away he turned into a dick and then we never spoke again. Every time I catch myself thinking about it, I just wish that I’d stuck to my guns and had kept that first night for what it was- perfect. Now, when I think back on that night, every other little detail comes to mind about our subsequent relationship and painful break up.

I renounced dating after that, and after three years of living the charmingly fun yet sometimes lonely single life, I’ve met another boy. Telling me not to overthink it is like telling the sun not to shine; impossible. Already, within the first few weeks of dating, I’m already jumping the gun, wondering what painful mess this new boy is going to bring into my life? Will he cheat on me? Am I going to be heartbroken again? Will I hurt him? Is it… worth it? Again, at the age of 22 I’m not ready to settle down yet, so I know this relationship will end at some point.

But I’m okay with that.

I’m not the type of girl that meets a guy and would marry him right that second. I don’t mind that I’ll date different guys, have different relationships. Because when I finally find the right guy, and end up marrying him, I know that I’ve lived my life, experienced other relationships, but found the best one for myself.

Some girls walk into a store and find their perfect shoes sitting there in front of them. Some girls have to try on a few before. I’m going to try and think of it that way.

As the old saying goes: you gotta kiss a few frogs before you catch a prince.

Anyway, back to the question in hand: what’s the point in loving? There’s a high percentage that my new relationship won’t work out in the long run. (I’m being realistic, not pessimistic guys, jeez.) But I really am fine with that. Friends and partners come and go, and I believe that different people are brought into your life and taken out, but they imprint on your life and leave you changed afterwards. They are in THAT section of your life for a reason, and if they’re not in a different part of your life, that’s fine. The 18 year old version of me and 22 year old version of me are very different, so I doubt my first relationship would’ve worked out for long anyway. We change, we adapt, and grow up, constantly. It makes sense that sometimes, we outgrow people. We’re all on our own journey in life ,and sometimes people walk with you for a while, and sometimes they need to go their own way too.

I don’t mind getting my heart broken again. It will heal, as everything does. And falling in love is worth it, it really is. We can’t walk around in a bubble of plastic wrap to protect ourselves from the world, and we can’t harden our heart to protect it. We have to accept our decisions, accept falling in love and new people, and what will be will be.

All good things may come to an end, but there’s plenty more to come after.

That’s all folks, for another 3AM rambling.

xoxo, Molly.



A debate is defined as “arguing on a subject, especially in a formal manner.”

Maybe this is true. Maybe a debate is a polite way of arguing. God knows I’ve seen enough religious and political debates to turn into arguments. but there is a difference. A thin line between debating and arguing. That line is respect.

Having a debate with someone should be fun, enlightening, a challenge. An argument is about shouting and hurting the other person, insulting them.

Arguing is simply shouting your point at the other person, refusing to listen to anything else, whereas a debate is a discussion between two people in which different topics are brought up. Both parties listen, and learn during the debate.

I love debates. There’s something about two people getting passionate about a subject- be it beliefs, or simpler, like a TV show or book. You can feel your own enthusiasm and the others persons, and see new things you haven’t before.

I am also very, very good at debating. Whatever argument people throw at me, I find a way to turn it around, give sufficient evidence or reasons why they are wrong. I think it’s one of the reasons I chose English Literature at University. Debating about books combines two of my favourite hobbies, after all.

As stubborn as I am, as good as I am at sticking to my guns, I am not so unwavering that I cannot change my mind. In fact, if someone manages to change my mind on a topic I feel strongly about, fair play to you. I have strong ides and passionate beliefs, so if someone has words of such power to change my mind or even make me think of the subject different, fair play indeed. And it isn’t a weakness.

Back to arguments, if you change your mind or back down, you “lose”. However, in debates, it’s quite the opposite. If someone’s manages to change your opinion slightly, you have enriched your own mind, become more enlightened upon something. You’re not belligerently insisting on the same idea without really deconstructing it, but you’re taking the idea apart, and growing as a person.

As much as I love changing someone else’s mind, getting them to understand my point of view, it’s equally fruitful vice versa. Because it makes you think differently, act differently. It opens a whole new world of interpretation to a subject you thought so surely on.

Is it a weakness is our minds are so malleable? if we change our beliefs on a whim? (that’s what I imagine people will cry)

Well, I give you this: It’s not on a whim. It’s after you’ve exhausted the topic to every inch, its where another person spins it in a new way you haven’t even considered before, which means your ‘belief’ on that subject might not be that strong. We are made of opinions, it’s true- but whose? As a child, do we have strong opinions on things? or do we learn them from our environment? Do we pick up our opinions and beliefs from our parents, our school, our friends? I think so. So none of our opinions are completely original anyway, and changing them simply means your choosing your own ones that you truly believe in, therefore making them stronger. If that makes sense. It’s three AM in the morning, so excuse the rambling.

Where arguments leave you upset, and bitter, with hurtful words running around your head, debates should leave you feeling refreshed, passionate and with a thirst for learning.

It was, in fact, a heated debate that led me to write this article. Me writing is often spontaneous and seems like a chore at times, but after one short debate with a friend, it’s lead to me finally being productive and getting back in touch with another passion- writing.

So, readers, remember this: Debates are supposed to be fun learning experiences. If you feel strongly about something, debate it well. but don’t be afraid to open your mind to another persons opinion. It might change your life, or even yourself.

Everyone is not as happy as they look.

Setting off to university in my parents car crammed with all of my stuff, I was excited to begin a new chapter of my life. I was finally going to be living with a group of people my own age, and I imagined it as some kind of 90’s chick flick, where we’d sit on the sofa eating popcorn and watching corny films, or cry over a tub of ice cream about boys, wearing face masks and having sing-alongs. And it wasn’t like that, it wasn’t like living with my best friends. While my first year was filled with a lot of fun, I didn’t get on with some of the girls in my flat. They all did the same subject, I didn’t. I had my boyfriend over a lot of the time, and I was working and concentrating on making friends on my course. And so, what begin as enthusiastic friendship turned into me feeling isolated and alone. Now, I had a lot of friends both at home and at uni, so it didn’t phase me that much, and it dawned on me that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, the girls were just in a clique, didn’t have any friends themselves so stuck together like a boring pack of hyenas. I was naive, but eventually came to realise that life is not like a film. in fact, films glorify and romantisise everything about life, giving us false expectations of what life should be like.

And so, when Christmas came around, I was in the pub with some old friends, and I ended up telling one how I didn’t feel it was fair that everyone had great housemates and flatmates, while mine were shit. I told him how I’d go on facebook and instagram, and see all the cute photos – “house meal with the gang!” or “flat girls night out!” and get jealous. And then he told me that a) I was being dumb, and b) that everyone pretends to be happier than they actually are. He told me that people aren’t going to put on facebook when they’d argue or felt isolated with their flatmates, or when they felt ugly. They weren’t going to show instagram their breakdowns and tantrums, but instead, put happy photos on to make themselves feel better, even though it was a lie. Instagram pages, full of little photos just show the highlights of everyday life. They’d show pictures of the best parts of their life- and none of the bad. And this ‘best of’ feature means we obsess over other peoples couple pictures and feel crappy about our own relationships, see their ‘Squad goals’ pictures and doubt our own friendships. See their gorgeous selfies and feel baad about how we look when we don’t have makeup on or our hair done. It feeds into the competition of ‘whos-got-the-best-life’, a page where even though your life isn’t perfect- far from it- in a series of pictures, it appears to be.

And it’s true, we compare our lives with what we see on film, or on our friends social media, but we don’t know the whole story. As the phrase goes; you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. And it made me feel better. Our whole lives, we are told and trained to search for the ‘elusive butterfly of happiness’- a term I’d recently discovered. I’d have moments where I didn’t really know how to be happy, or even if I could be. It seemed that the few shining moments of happiness I had were merged in a sea of feeling shit, upset, angry or just numb. So I almost take comfort in knowing that sometimes, especially on social media, people are not as happy as they seem. Now, I never feel bad about my own life from seeing other people online. I recently spoke to an old friend, at a different uni, and looked like she was having the time of her life, going out all the time, new friends, new boyfriend. It was only when I spoke to her on the phone she told me she was quite heavily depressed and miserable. There is a song called ‘Wear Sunscreen’ by Baz Luhrman that gives advice on life, and to be honest it is one of the most accurate things I have ever heard, and never fails to make me feel better. One bit that always sticks out to me is when he says “Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind.The race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself.”

We spend so much time comparing our lives to what we see from other peoples when it doesn’t matter, at all. At the end of the day, you are the protagonist of your life, and your life is controlled by you only- your decisions, mistakes, choices. It is your life that matters, not what you see of someone elses. You never know what that person truly feels or who they are from an instagram page, and it doesn’t matter anyway, because it has no relevance to your life. So, the main thing I try to keep in my mind now is to focus on how I, myself, can make my life happy, not to compare it to other peoples, and most importantly, understand that there are going to be rough times ahead, bad periods- maybe years even, when you’re not okay. But you’re not alone in this, something easily forgettable. Life is hard, for everyone, but you need to focus on yours, and making it as happy as it can be.

Anyway, late night ramblings over. Peace out. xoxo

Sterilisation, Utopia & Inferno


 “There comes a moment in history when ignorance is no longer a forgivable offense… a moment when only wisdom has the power to absolve”
(Dan Brown, Inferno)

What I believe the quote means, is that humans are selfish. Inherently selfish. Now, I assume that everyone that reads this will know and understand what I mean when I say the words; Global Warming. And yet, our brain switches off. We don’t care- and why? Because it is not our problem. By us, I don’t mean humans, I mean everyone alive and well at this present second. We are warned of global warming, of the melting ice caps, and the scorching earth, and the exploding sun- and then we realise- its not our problem. We won’t be alive for that, so what’s the damn point of trying to help? And this is our ignorance. It is not a forgivable offense, because we know what we’re doing. We’re passing down our shit, our issues (all of which we’re contributing to) onto others, because we won’t feel the effects. I will use Dan Brown (author of Inferno, the text in question) to show what I mean.

“It took the earth’s population thousand of years-from the early dawn of man all the way to the early 1800s-to reach one billion people. Then astoundingly, it took only about a hundred years to double the population to two billion in the 1920s. After that, it took a mere fifty years for the population to double again to four billion in the 1970s. As you can imagine, we’re well on track to reach eight billion very soon. Just today, the human race added another quarter-billion people to planet Earth. A quarter million. And this happens every day-rain or shine. Currently every year they’re adding the equivalent of the entire country of Germany.”

One of my modules is Apocalypse, Utopia and Dystopian fiction, and today we studied one of the Utopia (2014) episodes. Set in the 70’s, it showed a scientist, Philip Carvel creating a virus called ‘Janus’, the main gist of the virus is that it would automatically sterilise whoever it came into contact with, it’s intent is to cull overpopulation issues. He teams up with Milner (Rose Leslie, Game of Thrones) and together they form a bond over the project. When presenting how the virus works, Philip raises the idea that he can tweak the virus, allowing it to separate ‘groups’ of people, allowing them to be sterilised. One character points out that this is selective breeding, comparing it to Third Reich fascist ideologies of eugenics, and refuses the idea. I would heavily recommend watching the episode, even if you haven’t seen the show, as its so interesting and stimulating. The episode makes you constantly change your mind on a character and their ethics. When you think someone is good, they do something abhorrent, and when you see someone do something bad, they provide explanations and justification for that character. I’m being cryptic because I don’t want to ruin the episode, but it also delves into the election, and the rise of thatcher, fictionalising a large portion of history. After watching the episode, we all sat around and discussed it and it raised many debates on sterilisation, bringing me to my main query.

How immoral is the idea of sterilisation? Now, it’s not a form of genocide, surely, there is no actual murder involved, it is not even a form of abortion, as no life has been conceived yet. Yet it does remove choice and free will from people, bringing up ethical questions regarding human rights. I asked one of my housemates what he thought, and he said if we were to remove the chance of people having children, it wouldn’t be fair. And this is true- if I found out I was unable to have children, I’d be devastated. As a women, it’s been ingrained within me that one of the main goals/events of my life will be to bear children. And if I found out something or something was responsible, I’d be furious. Yet, aren’t we removing free will and choice for humans later on if we do nothing? If we allow global warming and over population to get worse and worse, then is that fair? Another point raised in the episode of Utopia is race. If sterilisation was to occur, what is to stop people from tweaking the effects, or controlling who received the virus, meaning certain races could be wiped out due to lack of breeding.

One friend suggested to me that instead of sterilisation, perhaps humans later on would inhabit and colonise other planets, like mars, and start anew. While this is a far out idea, it is not impossible. Yet isn’t it completely selfish and narcissistic of us humans to ignore the damage we have caused, continue being the problem and ruin other planets? If we do inhabit mars and other planets, and by some miracle, do not die and kill the human race, then surely things will continue and continue. Because global warming is not a seemingly near-problem, it seems that people do not care enough to try and save the earth. When I make general musings on sterilisation, I mean in general terms, not for selective races.

So, my general musing or query, is how ethical is sterilisation? Is it unthinkable, immoral? Or is it a logical solution to the overpopulation crisis?

In 1979, a policy was introduced called ‘The One child policy’ in China. I’m sure many people have heard of this, but to briefly summarise; the idea was to allow families to have one child and no more, to increase access to water and resources, to alleviate economical and environmental issues (such as crowding and overpopulation). Form what I gather, it was largely successful, with healthier benefits for infants, and helped decrease the intense over-population. I had heard rumours ( though I don’t know the truth of this) that the parents could be arrested if they had more than one child without… asking? Applying? I’m not sure- do you apply for your own child? Anyway, I’m not sure how it works, but from what I understand, fines were introduced if the family were to have a second child (as if having more than one child wouldn’t decrease bank amounts enough.) From what I hear (AKA, Wikipedia and other shady online resources, not actually from china government officials) the economic development was fantastic, etc. Apparently (again, if you’re interested, feel free to double check facts) above 70% of Chinese people supported the policy (2008) in a survey. As of 2015 the policy has now been changed to include a second child.

This brings me back to my general argument. If couples were allowed to have one or two children, THEN were sterilised, would this remove all argument? People still get the family they desire, but within limits. People don’t keep popping out babies by accident. Someone raised the issues the other day that women over the age of 30 that were already mothers were more reluctant to consider abortion as an option. And if people wanted a larger family, then adoption could be an option? I’m not a mother, and I’m not in a position to continue having a family yet, so I don’t know. I guess I’m curious as to what others think about this. I’m trying to remain neutral, but there is a logical, calculated sense in the idea. Think of the hundreds and thousands of childrens without families, without homes, that are not adopted. Think of people that have children simply to claim benefits, and their children go neglected and unloved. Think of the future humans that have to suffer the consequences of our actions. Despite us all doing a bit of recycling, it seems that no one seems either aware, or rather, seems to care, about these effects. I’d like to state as a disclaimer that I am in no way for sterilisation, it’s just a musing from one of my seminars. it does lead to some very interesting questions, however. What would the effects be? Are there any more reasons for or against the idea? If anyone does read this, then please, let me know your thoughts. And to really instill the fear within you, here’s one last quote from Mr Brown.

“Ozone depletion, lack of water, and pollution are not the disease—they are the symptoms. The disease is overpopulation. And unless we face world population head-on, we are doing nothing more than sticking a Band-Aid on a fast-growing cancerous tumour” -Dan Brown, Inferno.

Autumn Favourites

So summer has flown by and autumn is finally here. At first, I was a tad worried about writing this post just in case I’d be stereotyped as a typical ‘white girl with a fondness for Pumpkin spiced lattes in Starbucks and crunching her way through the leaves’ but a) I actually prefer tucked away cafes that aren’t unethical and eco-ignorant. B) Yes, I do love the sound of crunching my way through dead leaves (slightly morbid, if you think about it) but there is a childish pleasure in doing that. Anyway, I thought I’d list some favourite of my things about autumn, or THIS autumn in particular.

With the weather getting colder, and people getting lazy in the cold weather, I get to spend more time indoors reading. I can set up the typical ‘winter’ scene by setting a fire, curling up in an armchair in a blanket with a cup of hot cocoa and just read. Unfortunately as I am still at uni at the moment it’s more like being cramped in my tiny, messy room on my bed that is basically just a bunch of springs and a cover, I have to hurry to finish a book a week in time for my lectures. Still, I get to read new books. Currently I’m tackling Conrad’s ‘Heart of Darkness’ along with ‘The turn of the Screw’.

Again, as I have more time, I can watch more TV shows. There is some part of shame as an English Lit student loving TV shows just as much as books but after watching Orphan Black, Misfits and re-watching all 3 seasons of Sherlock I can’t complain. If anyone has any interesting shows to recommend I would be extremely happy.

The third point is a recent change in my life in which I have moved from home to Brighton. Brighton is everything I thought it was going to be. It has the hustle and bustle of London without the stress, it’s an extremely diverse culture and even the buildings are full of life and colour. The graffiti isn’t just ‘tags’ of peoples names, it’s art. I will probably be doing a more in detail blog about my adventures in Brighton but it has definitely made my autumn much more enjoyable as I go down the lanes and into little bookstores and cafes and walk along the streets wrapped up in my winter outfits and looking at everything that’s for sale and everyone that’s selling it. Brighton rocks. And yeah, pretty much everyone comes down here for the summer, but there’s something calmingly beautiful yet strangely odd about the beach in winter.

Fashion. I both love and hate fashion in autumn. Because of how many damn layers you have to put on it’s pretty much impossible to match anything. However, I get to wear my huge range of chunky jumpers and woolly socks which I adore. I get to wear brown lipstick and bundle on scarves and hats which make me feel wrapped up in cotton wool. So in fashion, my favourite outfit would have to be my extremely furry multi-coloured jumper with at least two pairs of leggings when its cold, a nice hat and scarf set and red lipstick and nails. There’s something superficial yet exciting about planning your outfit to the weather, or season, But I enjoy it so I take no shame.

Journals. I recently book a new journal this autumn and I’m really exciting to begin sketching, writing and drawing in it. The first blank page is always a bit startling and every year I worry about ruining that first page with awful, childish doodles and terrible drawing but this year I am determined to create a journal full of colour, excitement that I look forward to documenting pieces of my day in.

Fudge. After my partner and I searching high and low for a amazing, mysterious fudge shop, we finally found it a couple of minute before closing. Upon entering, there were lines and lines of fuge stacked up, of every flavour you could possible imagine. To the sides, jars of sweets bursting full of colour lined upon on the wall, and the floor was stacked of glass counters filled with chocolate treats. Now I have never been a big lover of Fudge. As a chocoholic, I would eat it, however I did not have a particular fondness for it. However, after getting 300kg worth of chocolate fudge, I fell in love. It was creamy, rich, smooth, gooey yet firm, the chocolate flavour completely encasing your tongue with its delightful wickedness. And yes, I ate it all that day. And I think it’s safe to say I will be returning to that shop. Maybe next time I’ll try to chocolate orange fudge.

Croissants. Firstly, it is important to establish I am not a morning person. My perfect day would be a very long lie in till about 12 in the afternoon. So when I’m forced to wake as 7 in the morning it is extremely painful for me and having gone a sleep only a few hours before I often feel like death. This results in a permanent sort of queasiness or inability to eat till about 11 o clock. However, after discovering Tesco’s cheap version of croissants, as a poor uni student I leapt onto them.  And I have to say they’ve paid off extremely well. After being heated in the microwave for a few second they are delightfully fluffy and comforting yet quite filling., and it is this reason why I chose to add them to my autumn favourite list.

S there are a few things that I have enjoyed this autumn so far, please let me know what you think of your own autumn favourites, as I’d be delighted to hear.

Peace out.